26/3/10

Confused.
Mixed up.
My feelings are as messy as noodles.
Every emotion would be represented as a strand.
My heart can't take it.
I'm going to break down soon.

Tonight will be the first time I'm crying in bed ever since last year,
When I didn't get into Band.
It sure seems like my life revolves around it.

After reading Hannah's blog entry about Thailand and Memories,
I'm starting to wonder what will happen in the future.

Will I forget you?
Will you always remain here?
Will you forget me?
Will I still be somewhere in your heart?

Am I even inside your heart?
Am I just a memory that will fade away?
Am I going to be deeply etched in your memories?
Am I important to you at all?

As I write this,
I feel like crying.
I feel like just cradling in someone's embrace,
And sharing all my troubles.

But I can't.

Because I can't.
Because it would be unfair to them.
Because I would feel embarrassed.

Because you might hate me.

That single thought was enough to put an end to that proposal.
That single thought can make me fall into depression.
That single thought will make life hard to carry on.
That single thought can cause so many things.

But none would be good.

However, you told.
You broke what I thought was a promise.

You made me feel really embarrassed.
You made me wonder how many people you told.
You made me wonder how many times you broke this single, important promise.
You made me wonder if this promise even meant anything to you.
You made me feel what I am feeling now.
You made me bring back so many memories I wanted to cast away.

But no matter what you did,
I can't bring myself to hate you.
Its too hard for me.

So I'll just let it slide past me,
And let it remain locked up deep within my heart.

And hopefully,
The day will come
When I can share it to you,
And everything will be fine.

But will it happen?
Will there actually be a day like that?
Will there be a day when everything can go back to normal?
Will there be a time when I can return to normal?

So for now,
Since its not going to happen,
I'll just let it slide past me,
And let it remain locked up deep within my heart.

So allow me to remain confused,
Allow me to remain upset,
Allow me to be out of sorts,
Allow me to break down.

And hopefully,
The day will come,
When all these end.

Hopefully,
The day will come,
When you realise what I did for you.
When you notice my feelings.
When you help me overcome them.
When I can end this.

Hopefully,
There will be a day,
In the future,
Where I can say
Openly,
Truthfully,
Frankly,
Confidently,
That I don't have feelings for you.