2/4/10

I'm scared.

I'm scared of losing my friends.
I'm scared of others misunderstanding me.

I'm scared that some things my friends say are meant for me.
I'm scared that I'm deceiving myself.
I'm scared that I'm deceiving others.
I'm scared that I'm not a good friend.
I'm scared that all these are true.

I'm scared of loneliness.
I'm scared of hatred.
I'm scared of love.
I'm scared of dejectedness.
I'm scared of eternal sleep.
I'm scared of watching eternal sleep.
I'm scared of sensing it.
I'm scared of helplessness.
I'm scared of betrayal.
I'm scared of being deceived.

I'm scared of the true depths of my heart.
I'm scared of my real self.
I'm scared of the past.
I'm scared of the present
I'm scared of the future.
I'm scared of the truth.

Yet, I'm scared of lies.
Yet, I'm scared of living in deception.
Yet, I'm scared of suspense.
Yet, I'm scared of not knowing the truth.

Yet, I want to know more.

I want to know more about myself.
I want to know more about others.
I want to know what is going on.
I want to know how to end my endless suffering.
I want to know how to end my friends' sufferings.
I want to know the real definition of white lies.
I want to know exactly how deep are the depths of my heart.
I want to know how deep my darkness is.
I want to know how deep my friends' darkness are.
I want to know how much light I possess.
I want to know how much light my friends' possess.
I want to know what others think of me.
I want to know what I think of others.

I want to know the truth.

But can I bring myself to know it?
The answer is, I can't.

Because I'm too cowardly.
Because I'm too ignorant.
Because I'm too foolish.
Because I'm too deceitful.
Because I'm too unclear.
Because I'm too confused.
Because I'm too unsure.

Because I'm too scared.

That is the reason for my suffering.
My constant indecision.
My constant headaches.
My constant heartaches.
My constant crying.
My constant worries.
My constant sadness.

My growing Darkness.
My shrinking Light.

All these, because I'm scared.